Amish Space Lasers

Rabbit Holes

Amish Space Lasers! What a wonderful name for a Death Metal band! Or perhaps a roller derby team. A pole dancer, even!

When I have nothing to write about, I simply come up with a catchy title and riff on it. This is quite easy for me, having practiced finding connections between things where none apparently exist. And there is absolutely no connection between the Amish and lasers, let alone space lasers. I wish there were.

About two years ago, there was a train derailment in East Palestine. Not any relation to that Palestine. This one is in Ohio. Using the same comedic method, I can also say that I was born in Jamaica. Not that one! The one in Queens, New York. The hospital, anyway, was called Mary Immaculate. I think they changed the name after I was born. It was Good Friday—though not for some of the people who would go on to meet me on Fridays, or any other day of the week. To honor the upcoming Easter, the nurses put me in a bunny suit. I wasn’t sentient enough to turn them down, and I certainly would have had I been. I cannot claim to remember this bunny incident, but in my later years, I would occasionally have hallucinations about rabbits. The documentary Night of the Lepus (1972) certainly did not help this either. I recall being tormented in front of the television, yet I could not look away. Giant mutated rabbits who crave human flesh. At this point, you may be asking yourself what this has to do with the title, Amish Space Lasers. Here lies the challenge. Let’s see if I can find one.

If I were to play the part of a conspiracy theorist in a film, it would come easy for me. Perhaps. Jackie Robinson played himself in a movie, The Jackie Robinson Story (1950). The baseball scenes were believable, but he had trouble delivering his lines. In other words, he had trouble playing himself. This is not a knock against Jackie Robinson. Most of us would fail if asked to play ourselves in a movie. Some of us have trouble playing ourselves in real life. Even me. However, I could easily pull off the token Conspiracy Theorist in a film. However, I would choose to play it straight.

In my opinion, the train was derailed on purpose. East Palestine is relatively close to Holmes County, Ohio, an Amish stronghold. The chemicals from the derailed train poisoned the waters, killed fish, and most likely made their way to Holmes. The Amish, although pacifists, ironically do not take crap from anyone. They are also relatively independent of the government. “Claping” refers to harassment aimed at the Amish. The derailment may have been a form of claping. This is a rabbit hole I am willing to go down, though not without trepidation.

To be continued…